What I wish people who love someone with an active addiction knew...
**Disclaimer: This may hurt some feelings (you'll thank me later)**
#1 Stop bailing them out of jail.
Each time you bail them out, it tells them you'll always pick them up when they fall. It tells them they don't have to fall, which then tells them they are allowed to continue to worship their drug of choice without consequence. It hurts them. It hurts your bank account.
#2 Start putting them in jail.
It sounds cruel, I'll admit. But, hear me out. When a toddler throws a tantrum, you ignore them. When they start hitting you during that tantrum, you direct them to time out. When your loved one struggling with addiction is using, you ignore them. When they start hitting you, your things, stealing from you for their fix, and so on and so forth, you put them in time out. Unfortunately, time out as a big kid is jail. They'll thank you for it later.
#3 Stop paying their bills.
Their bills are their responsibility. If they aren't making wise choices, it's not your job to bail them out by handling their responsibilities for them. See #1. They'll thank you later when they have to make the decision of keeping their utilities turned on or buying a bag.
#4 Start going to Al-Anon.
No, seriously. Check it out. It'll be the best thing you've ever done.
#5 Stop taking away their alcohol and pills.
Stop hiding them, throwing them out, counting the pills, calling their doctors, following them to their dealer. Just stop. You're hurting them, and your digging yourself an early grave. It doesn't help. You remember the toddler example from before? Well, imagine that toddler is now a teenager, and you've told them they absolutely cannot do something they want to do. Guess what? Challenge accepted.
#6 Start putting them out if you're finding alcohol or pills (insert drug of choice here) in your house, car, etc.
See #2 and 3. You're helping them. You're making them seriously consider choices such as "do I look for a place to stay or cook meth today?" And if they choose their drug of choice today, they'll have to consider their choices again tomorrow and the next day until their choice is "damn, I need a place to stay." They'll thank you later.
#7 Stop controlling their medications.
I know it seems like I've already said this, but I promise, someone out there is going "but what about their medications - they won't take them right if I don't control them for them." And they're panicking about it. At some point, your loved one is going to say "damn, I need to get my act together or this illness is going to kill me if my addiction doesn't first."
#8 Start praying for them.
And going to Al-Anon. Definitely go to Al-Anon. Neither you nor your loved one has control over their situation right now. Stop trying to act like you do.
#9 Stop complaining about how they have screwed up your life and are such an inconvenience to you.
If you're saying this, you've already hurt them enough. Just stop. See #8. You can't control them or their addiction, so stop making yourself miserable. That's right. If this is how you feel, you are doing it to yourself.
#10 Start praising them when they are doing things like going to meetings, getting assessments, keeping their therapy appointments, keeping jobs, etc.
These are good signs they are on the right road to recovery but not necessarily there yet. Just praise them along the way. If you're going to communicate, make it positive or not at all. They're already hurting enough.
#11 Stop interfering with the Department of Children's Services when they intervene.
This is a GOOD thing if they have children. Don't make excuses. Don't try to hide things or cover up their drug use. Let them do their job and help your loved one make changes. You will have the opportunity to be a safe place for their children while your loved one makes hard decisions, but if you're going to be involved in the investigation, state behaviorally specific facts or don't talk.
#12 Start offering to be a legal guardian for their children while setting very strict boundaries with your loved one.
If you're going to help, help maintain safety of the children, not your loved one. This involves following the rules of the Department of Children's Services very closely, even if that means the children aren't allowed any contact with your loved one. It will hurt. The children will have an incredibly rough adjustment period. But, at the end of the day, the children, their safety, and your loved one hitting the rock bottom they need for recovery should be the top priorities.
#13 Stop making excuses for them.
We know their back hurts, they work a lot, it's only recreational drug use, they don't smoke it in front of the children, at least they're not cooking meth, etc etc, but we've heard it all, and it's really getting old. Stop justifying their substance abuse. Live and let live.
#14 Start loving them from a distance.
Read "I love you enough to let you go" by Jim McGregor. This book should be one of many "bibles" for people who love someone struggling with addiction. Without having the book in front of me for an exact quote, one of the readings in it says (not word for word) "I love you enough to allow you to make what I consider to be ridiculous mistakes" or something along that line. Love them enough to let them go and come back when they're healthy.
#15 Stop arguing with them.
It's not worth it. It does nothing but raise both of your blood pressures, and really, they're experts at learning how to manipulate and argue in circles. This is what helps fuel and justify their addiction. You're not going anywhere with it, I promise. At the end of it, you won't even understand how the argument started, and what's worse is you'll probably feel like the crazy one who did something wrong even if you originally knew you didn't!
#16 Start practicing being "still and quiet."
You will learn so much, and eventually, you will begin to see the manipulation, as well as your loved one's failed attempt at getting you to argue in circles to distract you from the real issue. Refer back to Al-Anon. It works if you work it.
#17 Stop making idle threats.
You know the ones you tend to make. "I'm filing for divorce if you don't stop drinking; I'm leaving you if you don't stop using," so forth and so on. If this is something you normally do, chances are that your loved one already knows the routine. They don't believe you, and everyone else thinks you look silly at this point. Don't say it if you don't mean it. It's not working.
#18 Start following through.
If you've made the threat, pack your bags, call you mom, get in the car, and drive away. Do not answer the phone when they call a million times after you leave. Do not fall for their "I'll stop, I promise" routine. Do not avoid calling the police, because you don't want them to go to jail. If you've made the verbal threat, take the action or stop talking.
#19 Stop giving money for food, gas, other necessities, etc.
Trust me, someone didn't get this from reading 1-18. Sure, they're hungry. Sure, they don't have money for gas, clothes, diapers, etc. That's not your problem. Do not, I repeat, do NOT give them cash! Remember when I said they'll have to make some hard choices when you back off? "Diapers or drugs, today?" The number for reporting child abuse (yes, drugs over diapers IS child abuse, and yes, you ARE a mandated reporter) in Tennessee is 877-237-0004. GO HERE IF YOU'RE IN ANOTHER STATE
#20 Start giving them phone numbers for area resources.
No one ever said let them starve and leave it at that. You absolutely should give them a phone number for a local food pantry, area Churches, AA, NA, and public transportation if you want to help. They're big kids now. Live and let live. Allow them to make foolish choices if they choose.
Last but certainly not least (AND MOST IMPORTANTLY) STOP believing what they say and START believing what they do! Actions speak louder than words, and in this case, HEALTHY ACTIONS show an actual recovery attempt. Just make sure the actions are consistent for a period of time before truly trusting in them.
To the person who loves someone with addiction, hang in there. It gets worse before it gets better. Love yourself, and keep it simple.
Addiction Help is Here!
1-800-662-4357 (SAMHSA)
