To do as I live - Blogophilia Week 18.7

100 things to do before you die? Who wants to consider that thought? Climb a mountain, para sailing, bungee jumping, white water rafting... they all sound like things you could do to lead to an early death - things one might do if they wanted to die. 

But, what about living each moment like it's your last? Cherishing each breath of air. Loving like you'll never love again. Dancing like no one is watching, and much more. 

12-step programs have figured it out, spouting things such as:  

It's not the load that takes you down... it's the way you carry it. 

The only way to have gratitude is to live in the now, not in the past or the future. 

We consume our tomorrows fretting about our yesterdays.  

 Worry is a useless mulling over things we cannot change. 

And who can forget one of the most popular ones - the one I turn to the most - one day at a time.

I like to add to that last one when thinking to myself or when talking with others - one day at a time, and if you can't do that, do one hour at a time. If that's hard, do one minute at a time until you get through. Maybe there are days you have to do one second at a time, and that's okay. 

What 12-step taught me is that I can't control everything. Matter of fact, I can't control anything outside of my own behaviors. And sometimes, even those I have to ask for my higher Power's help with. I certainly have no control over death. 

I can only do what I can do in that moment, and if what I can do is anything to work toward my goals of living life to the fullest, then that's what I need to do - even if my bucket list contains more conservative things such as going to Hawaii, flying a kite, or writing a book. 

Your bucket list is not meant to be perfectionism, much like that which is symbolized by the philosopher's stone. It's meant to be ever changing. It's purpose is to focus you on your life's goals. I think it is a way of reminding you what the definition of living is to you. Maybe your definition of living is to streak through downtown Nashville in the middle of the day, while mine is to take baby steps toward an eventual flight to Venice. And that's okay. 

My bucket list is not things I want to do before I die. It's things I want to do in order to live. "This is my quest, to follow that star, no matter how hopeless, no matter how far." 

Blogophilia Week 18.7 Topic: Bucket List 

Bonus Points:

(Hard, 2 points) Incorporate the philosophers' stone or stone of the philosophers ...

(Easy, 1 point) Include a lyric from a song by Cher   

Where I want to be versus the real world.... Blogophilia Week 16.7

To me, there's nothing more relaxing than spending time on the beach. Over the years, I've pondered the idea of moving there. I constantly push that idea to the back of my mind for fear that living on the beach would eventually make the idea of it less relaxing. 

But, it's magical. The cool breeze blowing in when it feels like 250 degrees everywhere else... The peaceful sounds of the waves crashing and rolling in.... The smell of the ocean, the warm sand between my toes....

For a moment, I don't have to answer when duty calls. I don't have to deal with the constant crises that exist all around me. I can pretend that the world is perfect. And it is perfect, in that moment. 

Unfortunately, the time has to come where the real world comes crashing down around me, like an unbalanced pyramid of cheerleaders. The time comes where I have to face reality and the ugly truth of the world. In my line of work, it's uglier every day. The truth is, I have to come back prepared to face the fact that people, every day, act as inappropriate, and more so, as trying to find a way to incorporate the inappropriate use of a shared leather jacket. 

Blogophilia Week 16.7 Topic: Don't Answer When Duty Calls

Bonus Points:

(Hard, 2 points) Include an inappropriate use for shared Leather Jacket

(Easy, 1 point)  Incorporate the phrase 'a pyramid of cheerleaders'   

https://www.facebook.com/notes/748379381849948/

Through Fire and Ice

She bounces through the day as if there's not a care in the world. There's a smile on her face and a twinkle in her eye. "Good morning," she cheerfully exclaims to all she faces. They provide her the response she seeks - a false sense of "I'm doing well" with a smile and chipper return "good morning." 

Coffee in hand and satchel across her shoulder, she swiftly bounces through the office door to greet those she assumes she knows so well - those whom she feels she has grown closest to. Her friends, as she sometimes calls them. They're who she knows, and this office is her life. She brings her optimism here - wears it proudly on her blouse for the world to see. 

She provides hope, warmth, strength. 

People around her fall - she picks them up. They cry - she comforts. They hurt - she bends backwards to ease their pain. She loves. She cares. She gives her all. She jumps hurdles to get the job done. Sweat, tears, blood, all streaked across her behind the mask of her joyful smile. 

Through fire and ice, she smiles. 

And she breaks. 

No one sees it coming. No one sees the pain. No one sees the lack of equanimity - the emotional breakdown that shall come consistently, like clockwork. Her friends, they notice not what lies beneath - the dark demons she holds so close to her heart. They notice only what she chooses to show - 

Through fire and ice, she smiles. 

She crumbles; she cries; a little piece of her dies inside. What kind of cruel world is this? What God would allow her to continue living in it? This mental instability is nothing short of exhausting and insane. The demons cry out. They wish to be comforted, but nothing is successful in reaching this goal. They scream; they cry; they fight. She has no way to escape. 

And yet, through fire and ice, she smiles. 

Demons fight her for days, trying to take over - push her aside. She mopes; she moans; she whines. In a fetal position, she begs them to take her, but she fights. She screams; she curses; she hates the world - and remains fairly confident it hates her as well. 

She's tired; she's faint; she's drained. No energy remains. The demons stole the show - a couple battles won. Time to find the smile, regain the twinkle in her eye, and prepare for a hearty "good morning" to those who expect her optimism and hard work. 

Through fire and ice, she survives. 

Fire and Ice

BY ROBERT FROST

Some say the world will end in fire,

Some say in ice.

From what I’ve tasted of desire

I hold with those who favor fire.

But if it had to perish twice,

I think I know enough of hate

To say that for destruction ice

Is also great

And would suffice.

Blogophilia Week 15.7 Topic: Fire and Ice

Bonus Points:

(Hard, 2 points) Incorporate the opposite meaning of "equanimity"

(Easy, 1 point)  Include Dark Demons  

https://www.facebook.com/notes/745234688831084/

Steel toe boots, college, and bedtime stories.

Maybe you can tell me how a love so right can turn out to be so wrong. 

Thinking back on stories told before bed, I cannot recall any personally. My thoughts immediately turn to stories about Princesses, big fancy castles, Kings, Queens, and some lucky girl's happily ever after. 

And then we find ourselves kissing frogs to see which ones turns out to be our prince. There's no one to blame for this, but ourselves. I cannot imagine any loving parent telling their child bedtime stories about how they have to kiss frogs in order to find a prince. Yet, I find it hard to believe that a bunch of black cats are crossing the paths of little girls everywhere leading to the kissing of thousands of frogs. It makes you wonder what sort of bedtime stories we were told that make a pasture of manure smell like a field of tulips or roses. 

What once felt like a love that would last forever turns into what I would assume would be a relationship that could be easily diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder - first I rise, then I fall. 

Maybe it's time, as parents, that we change our bedtime stories to reality. It's time little girls start squishing the frogs with steel toe boots, then changing into comfortable shoes to hike across a college campus before bed. 

Picture word/phrase guess: field of tulips

https://www.facebook.com/notes/marvin-martian/blogophilia-week-147-bedtime-stories/739347179419835

Blogophilia Week 14.7 Topic: Bedtime Stories

Bonus Points:

(Hard, 2 points) Include a black cat crossing your path

(Easy, 1 point)  Incorporate a Bee Gee's lyric

 

Drowning in a Legal System of Clowns - Blogophilia Week 19.6

Through my eyes, a fire ablaze

Skin tingles, 

The sights amaze. 

Thoughts racing through my mind. 

A sting from a jelly, perhaps?

No, too much left behind. 

A shark bite might be nice.

Not logical, not rational, 

But natural consequences would suffice.

With a heart like ice, 

Yet a smile so bright, 

Escaping the system, without paying a price. 

No money in hand, only pennies and dimes, 

Still no fear for the law.

Even the losers get lucky sometimes.

Oh, to be a fly on the wall,

Just to look and see

How he accomplishes all. 

Eyes filled with tears while sadness drowns.

Lack of understanding and faith

In a legal system of clowns. 

Though emotions are strong, I will rise. 

Losers - the legal system and he - 

Will not be my demise. 

Blogophilia Week 19.6 - Even the Losers Get Lucky Sometimes

Bonus Points:

(Hard, 2 pts):   Incorporate 3 things that could happen to you while swimming in the ocean

(Easy, 1 pt):  Mention a fly on the wall 

The Problem with One Beer and Controlling Behaviors - Blogophilia 37.5

"Life is a system of half-truths and lies, opportunistic, convenient evasion." 

I'm just going to have this one beer..... 

He doesn't have a problem - he only takes pills occasionally for his headaches....

My problem was with methamphetamine; I can drink a beer and be okay.

I don't have a problem with addiction. He just won't listen to me when I tell him what to do...

There's nothing wrong with smoking marijuana. I only do it when I need to de-stress.

You can only be addicted to drugs, not people.

I don't have an addiction problem, because I don't use needles.

If he would just change his ways and stop using drugs, I would be happy.

Alcohol is legal, so I don't have to stop drinking. 

Addiction

It's wrapped around your heart, your mind, your body, and soul.

It hurts loved ones physically, mentally, and emotionally. 

It has no conscience. 

It does not know between right and wrong. 

It cannot love. 

It is selfish, demanding, and controlling.

It is the uncle who has to have a drink before and after work.

It is the mother who calls her daughter every morning to wake her up for work because she is too hung over to hear the alarm clock. 

It is the wife who demands her husband report every where he goes and who he talks to on a daily, if not hourly, basis. 

It is the abusive boyfriend who batters then blames in order to deflect his own inner turmoil onto someone else.

It is the child who is taking prescription pills to numb his emotions. 

It is the father who uses marijuana daily to calm his nerves, because this is all the coping skills he knows.

It is the single mother who uses methamphetamine to stay awake during her third shift job to support her family. 

Many of us think we have not been provided with an owner's manual to get through the tough times in life.

We stumble around, trying to grasp onto something that makes sense. 

We fall to our knees and reach for the easiest and quickest thing to make the pain stop. 

We unintentionally damage relationships with our friends, family, co-workers, employers, and most importantly, our children by intentionally taking that first pill, drink, hit, or line.

We only took that first pill, drink, hit, or line thinking it would help us get through the pain one night, and then things would be better.

We think we are only helping and doing the right thing by trying to control those who are chemically dependent and who may or may not have accepted that fact. 

We lie, or only tell a portion of the truth, with the mistaken belief we are protecting ourselves or someone else.

We think that just because we are physically present with our children, it means we are good parents.

In reality, our children are growing up without parents. 

A lie is a lie, and it hurts rather than protects. 

Chemical dependence is not the only form of addiction. 

There are other things that make sense and will help the pain stop. 

That first drink, pill, line, hit only leads to the next and ultimately worsens the pain through numbness.

We do have an owner's manual. There are other options.

Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our addiction and that our lives had become unmanageable. 

Step 2 - We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Step 3 - We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 12step.org

Blogophilia week 37.5 - Wrapped Around Your Heart

Bonus Points:

(Hard, 2pts):  Quote Langston Hughes or include a line from his poetry

(Easy, 1pt):  Mention an owner's manual

Interruption of Destiny - A Tough Decision to Make

"And now for something completely different." ~ Monty Python

It was an interruption of destiny...

A tough decision to make...

A choice between keeping hold of him or to suffer for some time to let go. 

It's the question of whether or not someone who is co-dependent should remain in a relationship.

I'm caught every time between sweet lines of poetry and sappy love songs.

"Roses are red, violets are blue..."

And yet...

The thought lingers...

The feelings remain...

I know he is part of my destiny, in some form or fashion.

I know I need to be making decisions for myself.

I need to exercise my right to make my own choices.

But, it feels as if I'm unable to make this particular decision.

It feels as if something else is controlling me.

Love?

My heart?

My desire to be loved?

Or could it be my rationality, whatever little bit there may be left?

No. Love isn't rational. Your heart isn't rational. Emotions aren't rational.

Or are they?

Among all the widgets and apps that exist, I have yet to find one to make a rational decision for me.

I know every rose has it's thorn.

Could it be that I just need to learn how to hold it to avoid being pricked?

I've searched and searched for someone else to provide me an answer - tell me what to do.

And with all the unanswered questions and strong emotions, the only conclusion I've come to is...

Just for today....

I have "admitted I am powerless over my emotions - my life has become unmanageable."

Blogophilia 49.4 Topic: "Interruption of Destiny"
Bonus Points:
(Hard, 2pts): include a Monty Python quote
(Easy, 1pt): mention widget




BFF 165 - Roses Are Red


Bloggy Moms - Feb 6, 2012 - A Tough Decision

Monkey See, Monkey Do - I Vote Nurture



Tabula rasa could be simply put as the nurture side of the nature versus nurture argument.

Recently, I wrote a paper arguing that the nurture side of the argument determines how we choose to behave throughout our lives. In each person I interviewed for the purpose of this paper, their responses showed they behave in ways their parents did rather than in ways their parents told them to behave. It is my belief, that if your mother was flighty and went any way the wind blows, you have a higher chance of behaving in that same way throughout your life.

Recently, I had a discussion with my parents regarding how I was raised compared to how I live my life now, with the word "discussion" being used lightly. Without going into too much personal detail, I have found that my desire for increase, success, and my high ambition came from how both my parents chose to behave around me and toward me during my childhood. While this sounds like it was a positive way to raise me, it seems to have backfired as my parents tell me I "should" do this or "should" behave this way when I do something that goes against what they want for me, but yet is the way I observed them behave as a child.

What I'm finding time and time again is that it does not amount to crap when you tell your children something if you're showing them something different. You are your child's role model. Telling them one thing while behaving in the complete opposite way, no matter what the topic, doesn't work and never will. "Do as I say, not as I do" is crap.

And on that note, I'll simply close with one change always leaves the wya open for the establishment of others by Machiavelli. Seems to fit, and after the events of tonight, I think some need to read this and understand it.







Blogophilia 46.4 Topic: "Any Way The Wind Blows"
Bonus Points:
(Hard, 2pts): use a Machiavelli quote
(Easy, 1pt): incorporate 'tabula rasa'

Co-Dependency at it's Finest

Co-Dependency: As defined by NMHA.org, co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual's ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as "relationship addiction." A few characteristics of co-dependent people are a tendency to confuse love and pity, a tendency to do more than their share all the time, a tendency to become hurt when people don't recognize their efforts, will do anything to hold onto a relationship, an extreme need for approval and recognition, fear of being abandoned or alone, difficulty identifying feelings, chronic anger, poor communications, difficulty making decisions, and others.

One of the controversies noted with Wikipedia is that people who are co-dependent sometimes have a victim mentality and this, could in fact, signify that the co-dependent person is not in recovery when they, and possibly others, feel they are. This particular paragraph states that a co-dependent person in actual recovery will not have the victim mentality. Whether or not this has any truth to it is another story.

For me, being in a healthy relationship is about as well-known as the show Laugh In is to a 13 year old. In the past, I have been known to enter into relationships and remain in unhealthy ones simply because someone looked at me and said you can't have that. The stubborn side of my personality looked back and said "watch me."

This known fact along with my apparent co-dependency has lead me down the path of destruction numerous times. I never would've admitted the latter part until now - after being able to identify my last relationship with "Love the way you lie," having a close friend tell me that's co-dependency at it's finest, and then working within a program that specializes in working with families who have substance abuse problems.

I've had that victim mentality for years now, but I'm finally beginning to shed it with my constant realizations that I, too, played the perpetrator in my previous relationships, or more specifically, my last. Yes, I was a victim, but I was also a perpetrator in that I provided some level of verbal, physical, and psychological abuse as well that very much played a part in what I received in return.

Now, I look back and realize, I have a child with this man. And maybe, just maybe, I didn't give our relationship a fair enough chance. I know I've grown since then. Maybe I should give him the opportunity to prove to me he has as well. Or maybe he hasn't. Either way, if that opportunity is there, I may just have to take it in order to say to myself that I gave it an honest shot and it just didn't work. Or, could this very well be proof that I'm still playing the co-dependent role?

Eh, if it goes bad, I can always go tattle to my mother that Tyler Myrth put me up to it.






Blogophilia 35.4 Topic: "You Can't Have That"
Bonus Points:
(Hard, 2pts): include a reference to the 60s series "Laugh In"
(Easy, 1pt): tattle on another Blogophiliac


..

Final date to post BLOG: November 2nd, 2011 GMT (TUESDAY) midnight
Final date to post ALL GUESSES: October 30th, 2011 GMT (SUNDAY) midnight**
**if you are having trouble converting GMT to your local time, midnight GMT is 7pm Eastern or 4pm Pacific time (the date is the previous day)

Grown and Sexy vs Young, Dumb, and Slightly Trampy

Grown and Sexy is more than just the name of a Babyface album.

Nearly every week, I see posts from Facebook friends announcing parties, shows, special events at local "night clubs," bars, dives, etc stating they are only for the "grown and sexy." Of course, they all throw in there that it's 21 and up only.

Truth is, it's a scam. It's a club or bar owner's way of getting more people to come spend money at their establishment. That's the way I see it.

Let's face it. Grown and sexy means something totally different to a 21 year old female or male than it does to a 30 year old female or male. When I think grown and sexy, I damn sure don't think 21 year old. I think 25 and up, and even then, not all in that age group are what I would call "grown and sexy."

I've been into a "club" before after being told is was for the "grown and sexy" only, looked around, and seriously felt like a camel in a llama farm. Yes, that out of place and awkward.



You have the young, immature-looking, possibly promiscuous, half naked female on the left versus those individuals on the right who look a little more "grown and sexy." Now, the one on the left could very well be completely opposite what she looks like she really is. And those on the right could very well be the promiscuous crowd. Clothing doesn't always define the type of person you are, but in my experience, it's typically a good sign.

A definition found from urbandictionary.com says grown and sexy means "older, mature yet hip; something that is for a more mature group of people." From the same location, grown is shown as meaning "acting mature, doing what older people do, no longer acting like a little kid." Sexy... well, I'll let you look it up for yourself. Those definitions from that location made me want to drown the writers of the definitions somewhere in the Pacific ocean.

Generally, most 21 year-olds feel they are "grown," yet they still tend to act impulsively (like a little kid), and do not act mature.The following are definitions (not from urbandictionary.com) of "mature:"

1. acting or seeming like adult: showing the mental, emotional, or physical characteristics associated with a fully developed adult person
2. experienced: showing qualities gained by development and experience
3. adult: adult or fully grown

Now, to wrap it all up....

Yes, a 21 year-old may have the physical characteristics associated with a fully developed adult person, BUT they do not have the mental or emotional characteristics of one simply because the human brain is not fully developed until mid to late 20's.

One argument... The second is that a 21 year-old does not typically show qualities gained by experience. How can they? They've only been legally deemed an adult for 3 years. That's generally not enough time to gain experience, especially when the brain hasn't even finished developing.

Now, when I go into an establishment that has advertised it is for the "grown and sexy only," I tend to look around wishing I could tell half the men and women who THINK they're "grown" to spread their wings and fly away, in not such nice terms.

Ask my 21 year-old self what "grown and sexy" means to her, and she'll tell you a totally different story.

What does "grown and sexy" mean to you?

This has been a Blogophilia post for week 23.4. 

What, Nashville wasn't big enough for you?



I have no idea what that thing is, but it looks fun, right?

This is not what I call fun... this is what I call a wide open can of 'piss you off.' I just know my coping skills don't work for the whole 'mad crowd, standing on top of everyone' crap.

Seriously? This is just sheer madness... my Spidey senses tell me so...

Oh wait!!! Let's throw some fantastic, 'possibly-hard-to-get-off' body paint to the mix. Sure, that makes it sound fun.

I don't know what this is all about, but it looks interesting.... maybe some sort of Samba thing? Whatever that is... I only know dances with no names....

Now THIS, I want to do. :) As long as all those crazy, rabid dogs holding me up don't pass out from opiate overdose or something before they send me on through the crowd.

[Insert picture of topless green girls here]

Really? Why don't they just take it ALL off? I'm sure they would look just as trashy. I'm just sayin'.

This is just stupid. Sheer madness doesn't even begin to describe it. And this picture? Yes, this one with the horrible 5 million car line there?? That was taken when traffic was GOOD on I-24.

And this would be when traffic was just absolutely .... there's no word to use without cursing while looking at that.... And what's with the dumbass high folks that don't stay inside their vehicle on the interstate?

Brings a whole new meaning to the activity, muddin', don't it?

This is what REALLY happens on the side of the interstate when they are supposed to be in line. Except, picture these same stupid girls on the OTHER side of the vehicles, playing in the right lane of the busy interstate instead of in their vehicles where they SHOULD be on the shoulder of the interstate.

Bonnaroo, I hate you, and I'll be glad when all the stinky, brainless individuals travel back to their homeland.

As if the pictures weren't enough.... Us locals DO have to go grocery shopping on occasion, assholes. Someone should burn Manchester Wal-Mart to the ground for allowing this bullshit. That's all I'm saying. Sheer madness....

Blogophilia 15.4 Topic: "Sheer Madness"




Bonus Points:
(Hard, 2pts): incorporate an animal with fur other than a sloth
(Easy, 1pt): include the Samba
..
Final date to post: June 14th, 2011 GMT midnight
Final date to post ALL GUESSES: June 11th, 2011 GMT midnight

Please highlight or otherwise point out your bonus points attempts. Don't forget to guess who picked the topic and the bonus picture as well as guessing the secret word or phrase for a chance at more points.

I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY DIET….

Okay, hang in there guys, it’s been a minute for me. This is going to be short, sweet, and to the point.

-----

Somehow, she knew she had to get that manuscript finished before she left the office for the day. Between the radio blaring a popular song by Right Said Fred and her preoccupation with something in her diet other than the leafy greens she had not yet gotten used to, she couldn’t manage to give her entire attention to the task at hand—get the manuscript done. She had to get it done!

Okay. Simple. All she had to do was talk and her amanuensis would type everything out for her. She could do that, right? 

All she had was that one last chapter to finish up, and the manuscript would be finished and ready for a final edit. So, she began.

“An angel came in my dream that night. Her eyes sparkled like they contained thousands of tiny chocolate chips….”

Crap. Distracted…

”An angel came in my dream that night. Her eyes sparkled like they contained thousands of tiny stars. She told me that she had come to rescue me from the salad bowl….”

Not it either.

Her amanuensis began to show impatience with the annoying preoccupation with food, but she continued to type, backspace, and type again until she found that what she was hearing became rather odd.

”An angel came in my dream that night. Her eyes sparkled like they contained thousands of tiny stars. She told me that she had come to rescue me and that everything would be okay. And I’m too sexy for these greens, too sexy for these greens, corn, squash, and broccoliiiiiii….”

And with that, the dictator left the building to go find what she craved and missed most—something other than the filthy green diet she had placed herself on only a week before.

-------

Yes, it was corny, but it fits the mold. :)

Blogophilia 8.3 Topic: "I'm Too Sexy For My..... "

Bonus Points:

(Hard, 2pts): use the word 'amanuensis' in your blog
(Easy, 1pt): mention 3 vegetables 

Final date to post: April 27th, 2010 GMT midnight